I'm so excited, My mom just bought my ticket to colorado next weekend.
This means, I get to see my angel :) I've missed that tiny soul so much!!
I can't wait to see how big she is, (even though i want her to stay little forever)
I love that girl, and i miss her. I saw a little girl the other day at the mall. she was picking out christmas ordaments with her mom and dad. I rememberd when I did that when I was little. I couldn't help but shed a few tears. And cried on Garrett's shoulder who knows how many times I've done that now. I still have my moments of loss when I cry for her. But now it's almost a happy memory. I look back and smile. Avery changed me for the better. And her memory is one of my most happyist.
I can't also wait to see Avery's parents, They have such a big part of my heart. There amazing wonderful people! I picked a great couple for my girl. I miss them also.
I'm very glad next weekend I'll get to see them.
Wow, I can't believe how fast time is flying! I'm the birthmom of an almost six month year old. I've also been in a relationship with my Garrett for about six months. My jr year is half way over also... wow. I must say though, I love were my life is going!
I'm so happy, And im so very excited!!
I LOVE YOU sweet AVERY!!!!! I can't wait to hold you

Well, I think it's safe to say I'm officaly slaking on my blog.
I'm going to do my best to keep up with this. It's just hard to decide what to talk about. I've considerd just making a blog about me. And having two blogs. But i'm not sure.
October was hard, Because of so many memories that came back to me. I hit a downward spirl. But i'm okay now.
Well, sorry for the short post. But i'm still alive and will try to blog more!

Homecoming :)

So Last weekend was Granger's homecoming.
Granger sadly lost the homecoming game (doesn't really surprise me, the football team kinda sucks lol)
It was really fun. Homecoming day was really busy. I didn't sleep at all that night really. I was way to excited. I woke up at like 7:30 am (yeah sleeping in to pass time totally worked out...:P) I showered hoping to pass time. (didn't work etheir)
I started doing my hair Way to early and was ready to go two hours early. Haha. So I was on the computer for like ever waiting to go. Finally it was time to go. I answerd the door and my nerd was there(he looked very nice I might add)
His sister took us to the park to take pictures. Trying to get garrett to take a serious picture is like trying to teach a dog to speak english. LOL. He kept messing around, how we manged to get some good ones I dunno...but we did.
We had dinner at the craker barrell. It was way yummy. Even though I got what Avery always made me crave Chicken nuggets and french fries w/ranch. That's all I wanted when I was preg. And I guess that is still my thing.
The dance it's slef was amazing. Alot of my friends were there. I danced with a few.
What I really enjoyed though was the part of the dance when Garrett and I took a break from dancing, And I just talked to him. I love talking to Garrett. He's the best friend a girl could have.
I also loved how on the wall there was a bunch of stars of everybody at the dance. I of course took mine. It's hanging on my wall now.
It was awesome. I can't wait for the next dance. XD

A year Ago...

It's werid to think a year ago yesterday I was oblivous to the fact that I had concived the most beautiful baby. A year ago I was so naive and lost. I just lived life. A year ago yesterday Avery Didn't have a beating heart yet, She was just a egg. It's crazy. I was pregnant, this time last year. And I didn't find out until october. It's sometimes hard to believe I ever was pregnant. Sometimes it sheems so surrel.
I can't believe how far I've come since then. I know who I am now. I know where I'm going. And I can only thank my beautiful birthdaughter for that. I miss her everyday. But now that pain is numb. I've learned to live with a broken heart. And it's okay...Because I'm strong. I know the choice I made for her was the right one.

Life these days

Wow, where do I start? Have I have ever said how weird and kinda scary how fast time flys? Midterms, are this week.. wow..But I'm doing great in school! my lowest grade is a b+(in math of course). Homecoming is this week I'm really excited. My boyfriend is awesome. It was so cute today in class, I always say my heart is broken. And I was drawing a heart, and Garrett drew one and gave It to me. It was a mended heart, and it had a band aid on it. I had to say it made me really happy. I'm glad I have my best friend,(boyfriend) by my side fighting this heartache with me. We have been together three months on thrusday.
I have so much homework all the time it's insane. But I'm glad im going the places I want to go. I actually by the end of the year have enough credits to graduate. But I'm going to do my sr year for the experiance. When I'm done with high school I know for a fact I'm going to major in social work. I've been seeing a career person to help me on my journey through college.
Everyday is a new journey, Everyday is a new trial. But I know having faith will get me through.
I love my family, I love my friends.
This is life. And this is me :)

HEY!!

Yep I'm still alive, Sorry I haven't written for awhile,
School has started, and i've been really really busy.
But I'll do my best to blog more often...
:)

Mini me :)

Yess If she wasent my birthdaughter id think we were twins :)
She is so beautiful, She looks so much like me...
Wow, shes geting so big!
So angelic.
Her parents are doing a wonderful job.
The top pic is my sweet avery, and the bottom is me as a baby.

School is about to start, and lately I've thinking. I'm very excited...
But how am I going to do this? I mean honestly for about a year I've been shut off from the world, And teenagers don't understand me, They really do irritate me, They have no idea what life can be. So how was I going to go back? How do I live? I asked myself many times these past two months.
Life is beautiful and amazingly bittersweet. Theres moments i'd go through every minute of pain for. I'm not really worried about these things anymore, I know where I want to be in life. And I'm only a kid for one more year..I'm going to enjoy this.
I'm loving the women I'm becoming. Inside my heart I'm strong and beautiful. Iam a daughter of my heavenly father.
i love the people around me dearly.
So how am i going to walk back into life?
A little at a time, I already have a great boyfriend. And Im starting to hang with friends again.
Wherever life takes me I'm excited. The rode won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end.
I'm so excited for jr year! GO LANCERS!!! :)

My Gaurdian Angel :)

Theres times when were alone, When we feel like were going to die.
When we feel like we can't move on, When all you can do is hope.
God sends us an angel.
Garrett stod by my side through my entire pregnancy, When everybody left he was the last one standing. When I cried, He was there. He became my best friend. At the time I didnt think much of it. But im so grateful to him. And I love him so much. He was the one I talked to, Hes done so many sweet amazing things for me.
We have been together a month now, And even If we don't make it, I'll always be grateful to the angel that got me through the toughest time of my life. And even now I struggle hes always there.
I love my best friend.. :)
I'm so honored to have him in my life.

Forgivness

I don't know why, But ever since Avery's birthfather deleted me off of facebook.
I've payed him no attention, In fact I was overjoyed with the thought of not having to deal with the crap. He hurt me. And I hated Him.
But today I viewed his profile for the first time in awhile.
He wasent happy, and for some werid reason this gave me an overwhelming tinge of sadness. And to my disbelif I realized I held no hate for him. I cared...
Yes I've forgiven him, But I'll forget the awful things he did to me. The things he did to My daughter...
But I care about the guy. And I've forgivin him. Hard to believe? it is for me also...
But the best way to move forward is to forgive the past, and dont hold grudges.
Am I still very hurt by him?
yes, no one has ever hurt me more.
Do I like him?
not really.
But life moves on, Hes apart of the past....And I'm looking forward to a great future.

i'm sorry it's been awhile, I've been meaning to write on here but I can never sheem to find the time.
Alot has been going on,
My boyfriend, yes I have one now..I'll blog all about him later. Got his wisdom teeth pulled. So I'm kind of as i like to say on call. I'm by his side when he needs me. I hate seeing him in so much pain.
I saw Avery last weekend, Seeing her wasent as hard as the thought of seeing her.
I remember being in the car on my way up to her shower, My heart was pounding and I was already in tears as soon as we hit her town. I was close to telling my cousion to go home, but i had already made it this far.
When I got there, It took everything in me to force a smile on my face, suck it up and walk up to the door.
But my hurt soon turned into awe, When I held Avery,
The emptiness was gone, and I was holding an angel. I couldnt get over how beautiful she was geting. She was so cuby, and her skin had turned a lovely pale, and she had the most rosy cheeks, she was perfect. Just like she always was.
So many people kept saying how beautiful she was, And I couldn't help but think it was because of me. She wouldnt have been there if it were not for me.
I wanted to just tell Avery's parents how grateful i was to them. Avery was healthy, but most importantly she was happy, And that was because of them.
I love my girl so much. And as the days pass, I actually feel like im going to be okay. I still cry, I still ache,
But theres that tinge of hope that keeps me going,
I'll write more as soon as I can but for now this should suffice.. :)

Hello

So it's been a crazy ride,
I was doing really well, I actually felt like my wounds were healing.
But on the forth of july i hit a downward spirl.
It was her first independance day, and i was her babyless, that killed me.
I know its going to be like this for awhile, Learning to live with it is the hard part.
But it's not pain all the time, Things are going okay.
It's almost time to start my Jr year in high school. I'm excited, I've missed my friends alot.
Even though it's really hard for me to relate to them. I still love them..
Theres alot going on in my life right now, The hardest part is trying to fit those little pieces of my life back together.
I've applied at a few places,
I'm going to dance soon.
I have a boyfriend.
And I'm working hard to make a good future for myself.
Even though I hurt, it would be unfair to Avery If i sat on my butt and did nothing.
Life does go on.
But this ache does not.

Impossible dream

Last october, I was alone and scared...
Pregnant with an angel. There Was no way I was ever going to place her. She was my baby...I was going to raise her.
I used to imagine her, Taking her to school, siting her on the counter and watching me cook. Her sneaking into my bed late at night when the monsters were in her closet...Little things, but such presious things.
I will never be her mother, But I will always long to be, I will always ache.
I've never loved a little life more, I've never loved anybody more.
I miss going in weekly and listening to calmness of her heartbeat,
I carried her, My part is done.
But I will always be dreaming the impossible dream.
The one where she is mine, where she comes to me.
I'm trusting Her mother to live this dream, For both of her mothers.
To raise her and be there every waking moment she needs her.
To charish every lil thing she does.
To place her tiny feet on the right path.
To teach and love her.
To be the mother I wished I could have been to her.
Someday I hope she feels I didnt abandon her. That I love her, And I wanted so badly to be her mommy.
But she deserved everything and more. She is the brightest star in all the universe.
So I'll cry today and for along time.
There will forever be an empty space where she stood in my life.
I will never ever forget her.

Beautiful angel..

Everytime I get a pic of this angelic little girl, My empty heart gets warm...And I can't help but smile.
Even though a few tears may escape.
Could a little girl be anymore perfect?
I love Aviendha with everything in me.
She is my life,
my heaven sent angel.
She honestly saved me.
I love you, sweetheart...always and forever..

Hurt yet again by the birthfather

For along time now I've been taking hard hits from Avery's birthfather,
I just wish now that he would apoligize, at least to Avery.
This hurts me most knowing that he gets to be apart of her life, when he can't even say sorry for hurting her. For abandoning her.
But there is nothing I can do to protect her. I'm going to have to trust that she will be taken care of.
I hate being so helpless, so lost....
But I'am the one that took great care of her in my tummy.
I'am the one that suffered for her.
I'm the one that cryed for her.
I'm the one who loved her from the start..
I'm the one who brought her into this world.
My blood kept her alive,
He can never take that from me.
I love Avery and worry about her all the time.

an awful day

Today has been horrible,
It all started this morning when I went to the mall with Garrett..
I was walking down the food court when I heard the cry of a newborn.. I went insane.
I started to run through the mall, following the cry.
Avery, needs me..theres something wrong. I kept thinking..Everything went in slow motion and I had those flash backs you only see in movies. Garrett was able to snap me out of it. But then I walked past newborn after newborn, and pregnant women after pregnant women. Finally after crying and screaming..Garrett took me home. I've never left a mall so fast in my life.
A little while after a nap, and some cleaning.. The birthfather's face set me off...
I got so angry and there were the most tears since placement day....
My poor adoptive couple bless there hearts, had to deal with me. I was in so much pain..And I only wanted to talk to them.
When the pain got to be to much I texted my caseworker
I'm helpless I want to die,
She wrote back very fast.
And from there I just yelled at her. I hated adoption... I wanted my daughter...was there nothing could I do? Where was this blessing everybody told me I would get? I should have never placed,The pain wouldnt stop, and all I knew was how to scream, yell, and cry..
Ive never felt so helpless.
I tried to give ken and kelly there peace. But I couldn't stop...there was too much pain. And they besides my mom are my best friends. I had nobody else to turn to.
I've been terrifed that they would break promises, and disconnect me from my angel. I've been in horror that things would change with them now. So much endless torment...
I just layed on my moms bed, and screamed and cried...
I finally stopped crying when I asked Avery's mommy if they loved me.
I had to tell myself over and over again that it would be okay. And I did the right thing for her.
Sometimes When I'm in so much pain and agony it's hard for me to see I did the right thing.
People tell me I'm strong, but this is the most hurt I've ever dreamed of being in..I feel so weak.
It's hard sometimes to be happy for the family I helped complete, When I'm dieing inside.
I have aching arms and a small outline of a heart that's bleeding.
But Avery is being taken care of Thats all that matters to me.
I'm so grateful for avery's parents and my mom put up with me. I'm so grateful for open adoption.
I would not be able to survive without it..and I mean it.
And I'm so grateful for my beautiful daughter.
I can only hope time will heal these wounds....and that god will always be with me.

Avery My Heart

On Placement day my babies parents gave me a necklace,
My part of the necklace is the outline of a heart, Avery's part of it is the full inside of the heart and it says love.
I don't think when they bought it that it would resemble exactly how I feel.
When I'm alone without my Avery, It's just a outline of a heart. Avery is my heart and when she is gone she takes the filling. And I'm empty.
But when they come together I'm complete again.
The necklaces are almost to perfect. I know I'll see her soon.
And I have this gem around my neck all the time to remind of my dear beautiful daughter.
I will see avery again. And I'll be looking forward to that full heart.

The Beauty of disaster

One mistake, Created one life.
One life became the hope and love of many,
This mistake became the most wonderful miracle.
What started out as a disaster ended up the most beautiful angel.
It started a family, It saved my life.
It brought my precious Aviendha into this world.
She is the most amazing miracle.

placement day..

The hardest day ever, But I helped make an eternal family....
and they are beautiful

The grief I feel is almost unbearable,
Where do i go now?
Yesterday I placed my daughter, It was the hardest thing Ive ever done, and will ever do.
Avery is my heart, My angel, my whole life. It's so hard to sit here with an empty tummy and empty arms. I miss her.
I keep finding myself placeing my hands on my tummy, and theres nothing there. There is so much pain, I thought I knew pain until Avery was born.
Avery is beautiful she's the most sweetest baby ever. Sometimes it's hard to believe that she is the child I carried in my tummy. I would say my heart is breaking, but it's hard for a heart to break when your heart isnt there with you.
I want so badly to raise her, to have kept her. But look at me I'm only sixteen, I don't have a job, Avery wouldn't have a father. I couldn't have done that to her. I love her way to much.
A mother's love is the strongest love in the world. No words can express what I feel for her.
I'm happy that she gets a life I couldn't have given her..but it doesn't ease my pain..
Will time ever heal these wounds? The answer is no, But it will get easier... at least that's what they say.
Every cell in my body wanted to keep her. I had to fight everything in me, For her.
I did this for her, not for me. If It was for me she would be sleeping in my arms at this very moment with her hand wrapped around my finger so soft and warm.
I'm never going to be the same after this, I'm never going to be able to go back to life the way it was before my pregnancy. I only live for one thing now, And every choice I make will be for her.
Everything I do makes me break down. I can't eat chicken nuggets because that's what I always craved when she was in my tummy. I can't hardly be on the couch that I spent most of my labor on.
Everything hurts, everything aches. I love her so much that I'm putting myself through this.
I also love her parents, they are my daughter's angels, the answer to my prayers when I was so lost nine months ago.
It really sucks for me, But the adoption was the right way to go.
The last night in the hospital was really hard, Holding my baby and knowing what I was going to do. That my time as her mother was running up, I wish I could have held her longer, I wish I would have never had to let go. Now I hold her in every single thought.
If she ever needs an extra set of arms to cry on someday, my empty arms will always be open to her.
I wish I could put all the feelings I have down, But I can't....
My sweet Avery, Forever you will be my heart.

still alive( really Random)

Yes I'm sorry havent blogged for awhile, I have not been able to get on...
So what am I up to?
I'm still waiting for my stubburn baby girl to come. In these last few weeks i have found myself crying over everything...lol
A few days ago I had my baby shower, it was awesome....and unlike most. Most people couldnt make it so it turned into a crazy hanging with my friends type thing. We even ended up with all the frosting on the cake on our face XD
I enjoyed being able to see my girls.
The other day, since my car is not running the birthfathers mom took me to my hospital apppointment. I was really nervous to be alone with her, At least at first. It was really nice to be able to talk to her. To understand her side. I have been so hurt by my baby daddy's family. It was hard for me to open up my heart like that. As for avery's father it may take me sometime to be able to forgive him.
As for everything going on, there really is nothing.
The days just sheem to drag on as im waiting and waiting.
I can't wait to meet her, :) and i know she's going to an amazing family.
speaking of which
happy early bday adopto dad!!

waiting

Nobody told me these last few weeks of my pregnancy would be so crazy,
At least i know one thing. Avery most certainly takes after me, stubborn.
Everytime I think or feel like im going to labor she changes her mind. I mean come on little girl whats so great about being in my tummy??
I felt so bad because this weekend I felt like my water had broken and no it hadnt.
My poor adoptive couple got to wyoming then had to turn around. And as soon as they got to bck to denver I started having intense contractions.
LOl go figure.
In a way it's a mind game, the days are going by ever so slowly. And what drives me more insane is that I'm coming so close to holding my beautiful baby girl.
But knowing her, she's going to come when I least expect it.
Sigh...
All well,
I've waited almost nine months...at the most ill be waiting at least three weeks.
three weeks?? ugh...feels like forever!!!
I'm also extremly grateful to my mom, she has been such a big support through all this. I wouldn't have been able to make it without her. She has been such a strength...:)
well theres really nothing left to do but wait.
Come on little girl!!! were awesome out here!!
We all can't wait to meet you.

hello.

Coming close, 35 weeks....
In two weeks I'm full term, A big part of me is trying to hold my heart in place. But that smaller part that knows I'm doing the right thing Is keeping it all together.
In about four weeks or less The little baby girl that kicks, and moves inside me. Will be in my arms looking up at me. For the most bittersweet two days of my life.
I'm glad my adoptive couple is so amazing, If they wernt I would not be able to do this.
Well otherwise I'm okay,
Haha...I moved into a new house, And the whole basement flooded...ugh. Crazy.
Nine people on one floor. It's insane....
The other night I took my blood sugar and it read 481 of course I freaked out, And my mom took me to the hospital. And there when they took my blood sugar it was only 123, Apparently I just had sugar on my finger. LOL I felt so dumb!!
nothing really has happened. just thought I should write something it's been awhile....

in the end

The stupidist mistake in life is thinking the one that hurt you most wont do it again...
I can cry all the tears I want but It won't help me face reality. I have so much to give, So much love to offer. Why do I get thrown away? Why do the people I love most abandon me?
I try so hard to help, so hard to give everything.
Here I'am left in silence for what feels to be the millionth time. When are people going to stop hurting me? Can they not see that I'm already broken?
Each piece of my heart that breaks feels like horrors one could only dream.
I know they aren't worth my suffering. But how do I not suffer when they were the ones I shared everything with?
Every smile, Every thought, Every tear. I put my faith in them. I gave them all I could.
They were my best friends, The ones I could tell anything to. The ones I could trust.
And were am I now? I'm alone, the arms of the ones that used to hold me turn into the dark mist of the past. I'm holding myself now. Holding what little pieces of my heart I can keep inside my chest.
In the end I'm the forgotten one.
In the end I'm left facing the world in solitude.
After every blood and sweat I put into their lives to try and make it better.
When Is it my turn? When do I get somebody to stand beside me? Why must I sacrifice so much, and only end up with agony in return?
It's so hard to go on like this. So hard to breathe.
I'm haunted by memories.
They were my best friends.
And now my only best friend is me.

ewwww

So I was looking in the mirror yesterday..
And I found three beautiful (cough cough) stretch marks....
EWWWW!!!!!
I mean I know it's only three, but still!!! haha...
Not trying to complain, But they are the ugliest things ever....

I'm terrible at blogging, but all well...:)
i guess my problem is that i have so much to say and don't know how to word it.
I might create another blog so I can talk about random stuff. But I'm not sure.
But I'm still here, just not sure what tp write..

My mom wanted to paint my belly this easter, And I must say Being 29 weeks prego and it's kinda hard to breathe. I was very uncomfortable.
But the results were awesome..:) (this was made for what my mom calls the adoptos,")
haha...
I Can't wait for baby Avery to Really hatch outta her egg...:P

Thoughts...

I'm really glad I got to vist my adoptive couple last week, It helped me alot.
I have all the comforts and missing pieces filled that I've waited for since the start of my pregnancy, And a bigger part of me is more happy then sad.
It's going to be okay. She is going to live a beautiful life. She has so many people that love her already.
I never knew how much I could love the adoptive couple ethier.
I never knew how strong of a friendship I could bulid. I may be giving away a daughter, But she won't be gone really. And I'm gaining a whole new Family.
This isnt the end, It's the start of a beautiful beginning...:)

shawdows of my heart...

It feels like it was yesterday I was leaning over my bathroom counter, sweating, my hands shaking. Watching in shock a the pregnancy test as a blue positive line appeared in the window.
Here I stand 7 months later, it's amazing how much has changed.
But one that has not Is the love I feel for my daughter, It grows stronger each moment....
I'm somewhere between fear and happiness. Happy for the life my angel gets to live, And I'm so terrifed for the day of delivery. I guess mostly for my self, I know it's coming and apart of me wants to hold on to my little's finger forever. To be the one to raise her. To be there every moment she needs me. And I need her.
I see other little girls and there mommys, and apart of my soul aches, I want to be like that.
But I know I'm doing the right thing...however that doesnt change the pain.
This is my daughter, This is the reason for my breathing.
She is everything to me, And everything I wish I could have.
I only hope she will come to forgive me someday for the choice I made.
Theres so much emotion, It's so overwhelming.
And underneath all the pain and the ache, theres a feeling of peace.
I miss her.
And even if this feels like the end, I know it's not.
She will always be my heaven sent angel. I will always be her birthmom.
And someday with her and her parents i will reside with them in heaven.
I love you Avery,
Always remember that.
















o

The start of tragedy..

Wow, I never knew how much could happen in just a week..
Broken hearts, Death, Pain...
After losing friends to the fate of suicide you think I'd be prepared.
A good friend of mine just lost her dad to cancer, And in the same week gave her baby up for adoption..I can't begin to imagine the pain she is in.
Hope is something hard to find when you feel so lost and dead inside.
Now I feel like I not only have to be strong for myself but for her as well...
And It's not easy.
She means the world to me, she's like a sister...
I wish deeply that i could do or say something to make it better...
But i can't...
I do my best..
Ashes of tears left from a bitter day return to the hallowness of my memory.
I remember what it was like to lose somebody so important.
And my whole heart resides in empathy with her..
I just hope it will only be enough...

Random thoughts...

What to write about? so much has happened through my adoption journey. I almost regret not creating a blog sooner.
Later I will write it down from beginning to end.
But right now, that's alot to type...and I don't have much time.
I've gotten alot of questions of why I said goodbye to my last couple.
I've also been extremly hated in the world of adoption, But that's gotten better.
Alot of things are geting better.
Last week I got quite a scare, I was having bleeding and had to go into labor and delivery...I dialed...and a few tests done. But was able to go home.
I guess it's healthy to say my daughter is much like me, Impacient..
My mom has started college, so it get's kinda boring during the day...
I can't wait until I get to go back to school, I know I'll never take it forgranted..
That's it for now I suppose...still trying to get used to all this....
And im little overwhelmed with all I want to write, but don't know how to get it down.

I really have no idea what im doing, but i decided to create a blog, so i can have somewhere to write my feelings..
I'm sorry it's such a mess right now, I'll figure things out eventually...

My heart is like glass, waiting to break.
But how could it fall into pieces? when I needed to be strong for the innocent baby girl, I love so much?
25 weeks, 15 left to go
and yet apart of me still feels as lost as it did when I first got pregnant,
The part that wants to be her mother, To be there every moment she breathes. To lift her from darkness, when she needs me most.
I feel a loss. Even though I havent lost her.
I feel a pain that lingers in the depth of my soul up to the center of my heart.
But yet I still manage to know that what I'm doing is right. Even if this isnt what I want.
In a way I will always be her mother. My blood flows in her. I gave her life...
They give her everything I wanted for her.
I do my best to live.
It only goes on from here...