Hello Depression...

So life has been crazy, it has not been at all easy for me. I have been so stressed. and so much is going on right now. Almost every day i end up in the office crying. Its just a hudge mixture of things. Like stress of school. Family stuff. My broken heart has been weighing me down alot lately. And with all the stress at home I hold it all inside, and now i just talk to this blog. My boyfriend is a great person for support, but im so tired of overwhelimg everybody I love my emotions. It's just a hard month, and i hope ill get out of this soon.

The darkness of winter

The snow is falling, and each snow fall reminds me of all my frozen tears. the ones I hide behind me. The ones I cry alone in the darkness of the brisk cold air. My life is changing, but every day I move forward with pieces of my shatterd heart. Every movement slowly creeping behind me, The silent echo of the past shadows behind my soild mask of pretend happiness.
So dark, and so cold, I continue through the snowstorm of insanity. Each step as a cry for help. But nobody hears me over the loud wind overiding my call for the hands of the earth to left me up. I fear forever I shall be lost in the depth of my sorrow, Always lost in the darkness of winter.

My blessing letter for Avery

Dear Avery,
Seven months ago I held you in my arms for the first time, I couldn't help but think there was nothing more beautiful then the tiny angel sleeping in my arms. That nothing could compare to the moment you took your first breath. I didnt think anything could be better. But i was wrong it keeps geting more wonderful, with every breath you take im in awe at the lovely girl you are becoming and will become. Wacthing you blossom is the most greatest treasure to me. Seeing your new teeth. Glanceing at your smile. Avery, you are one of gods greastet gifts. I want you to know as you are sealed to your parents he has a plan for you. I love you so much, and it was one of the most amazing things to see you become apart of an eternal family. Everyday I wake up full of the surprises you bring. Your parents are so great for allowing me in your life. And there isnt a day I dont fall down to my knees thanking god for the light you have provided in my life.
Aviendha. I want you to know, I'll always be here.you will forever have a part of my heart. As you continue to grow, I'll be in the backround smiling. Looking after the tiny angel I have loved for so long. I brought you into this life, And now your parents are bringing you into eternity. Your a special gift. A blessing from only the best angels.
I continue to cry as I write this. because even though the days pass, I look back at the baby in my arms.Remembering how hard it was to give you up. And how hard it still is sometimes. But I wouldn't trade your happiness for anything.
Happy blessing day Aviendha. I'm so happy for this.

Love always your birthmother.
Celeste.

the pictures didnt post in the order i wanted them to.. but at least they are on there

Wow it's been forever since I have posted something.
Alot has been going on with school and such, i just really havent had the time.
I attened Avery's blessing last weekend. It was very emotional, but not in a sad way, but beacause they are such a beautiful family. The drive up to colorado was long, and i was really nerovus. but even more nervous when I got to my adoptive couples house. The birthfather was going to be there. and I was scared, for nine months he didn't play a part in avery's life. and i didnt understand why he wanted to now. But it wasnet so bad. I was able to put the pain beside me and talk to him like i would anyother friend.
My boyfriend also came along, and that was great. I loved having him with me. And him and my adoptive couple got along great. And he absoulty loved Avery.
I hold the beautful lil family so dear to my heart and im so glad I found them for Avery, They are everything a birthmother could wish for their child. And now they are together for all eternity. I was very happy to be down there to witness all of it. It was such a bittersweet weekend. But i wouldnt trade those memories for anything.