an awful day

Today has been horrible,
It all started this morning when I went to the mall with Garrett..
I was walking down the food court when I heard the cry of a newborn.. I went insane.
I started to run through the mall, following the cry.
Avery, needs me..theres something wrong. I kept thinking..Everything went in slow motion and I had those flash backs you only see in movies. Garrett was able to snap me out of it. But then I walked past newborn after newborn, and pregnant women after pregnant women. Finally after crying and screaming..Garrett took me home. I've never left a mall so fast in my life.
A little while after a nap, and some cleaning.. The birthfather's face set me off...
I got so angry and there were the most tears since placement day....
My poor adoptive couple bless there hearts, had to deal with me. I was in so much pain..And I only wanted to talk to them.
When the pain got to be to much I texted my caseworker
I'm helpless I want to die,
She wrote back very fast.
And from there I just yelled at her. I hated adoption... I wanted my daughter...was there nothing could I do? Where was this blessing everybody told me I would get? I should have never placed,The pain wouldnt stop, and all I knew was how to scream, yell, and cry..
Ive never felt so helpless.
I tried to give ken and kelly there peace. But I couldn't stop...there was too much pain. And they besides my mom are my best friends. I had nobody else to turn to.
I've been terrifed that they would break promises, and disconnect me from my angel. I've been in horror that things would change with them now. So much endless torment...
I just layed on my moms bed, and screamed and cried...
I finally stopped crying when I asked Avery's mommy if they loved me.
I had to tell myself over and over again that it would be okay. And I did the right thing for her.
Sometimes When I'm in so much pain and agony it's hard for me to see I did the right thing.
People tell me I'm strong, but this is the most hurt I've ever dreamed of being in..I feel so weak.
It's hard sometimes to be happy for the family I helped complete, When I'm dieing inside.
I have aching arms and a small outline of a heart that's bleeding.
But Avery is being taken care of Thats all that matters to me.
I'm so grateful for avery's parents and my mom put up with me. I'm so grateful for open adoption.
I would not be able to survive without it..and I mean it.
And I'm so grateful for my beautiful daughter.
I can only hope time will heal these wounds....and that god will always be with me.