Impossible dream

Last october, I was alone and scared...
Pregnant with an angel. There Was no way I was ever going to place her. She was my baby...I was going to raise her.
I used to imagine her, Taking her to school, siting her on the counter and watching me cook. Her sneaking into my bed late at night when the monsters were in her closet...Little things, but such presious things.
I will never be her mother, But I will always long to be, I will always ache.
I've never loved a little life more, I've never loved anybody more.
I miss going in weekly and listening to calmness of her heartbeat,
I carried her, My part is done.
But I will always be dreaming the impossible dream.
The one where she is mine, where she comes to me.
I'm trusting Her mother to live this dream, For both of her mothers.
To raise her and be there every waking moment she needs her.
To charish every lil thing she does.
To place her tiny feet on the right path.
To teach and love her.
To be the mother I wished I could have been to her.
Someday I hope she feels I didnt abandon her. That I love her, And I wanted so badly to be her mommy.
But she deserved everything and more. She is the brightest star in all the universe.
So I'll cry today and for along time.
There will forever be an empty space where she stood in my life.
I will never ever forget her.

Beautiful angel..

Everytime I get a pic of this angelic little girl, My empty heart gets warm...And I can't help but smile.
Even though a few tears may escape.
Could a little girl be anymore perfect?
I love Aviendha with everything in me.
She is my life,
my heaven sent angel.
She honestly saved me.
I love you, sweetheart...always and forever..

Hurt yet again by the birthfather

For along time now I've been taking hard hits from Avery's birthfather,
I just wish now that he would apoligize, at least to Avery.
This hurts me most knowing that he gets to be apart of her life, when he can't even say sorry for hurting her. For abandoning her.
But there is nothing I can do to protect her. I'm going to have to trust that she will be taken care of.
I hate being so helpless, so lost....
But I'am the one that took great care of her in my tummy.
I'am the one that suffered for her.
I'm the one that cryed for her.
I'm the one who loved her from the start..
I'm the one who brought her into this world.
My blood kept her alive,
He can never take that from me.
I love Avery and worry about her all the time.

an awful day

Today has been horrible,
It all started this morning when I went to the mall with Garrett..
I was walking down the food court when I heard the cry of a newborn.. I went insane.
I started to run through the mall, following the cry.
Avery, needs me..theres something wrong. I kept thinking..Everything went in slow motion and I had those flash backs you only see in movies. Garrett was able to snap me out of it. But then I walked past newborn after newborn, and pregnant women after pregnant women. Finally after crying and screaming..Garrett took me home. I've never left a mall so fast in my life.
A little while after a nap, and some cleaning.. The birthfather's face set me off...
I got so angry and there were the most tears since placement day....
My poor adoptive couple bless there hearts, had to deal with me. I was in so much pain..And I only wanted to talk to them.
When the pain got to be to much I texted my caseworker
I'm helpless I want to die,
She wrote back very fast.
And from there I just yelled at her. I hated adoption... I wanted my daughter...was there nothing could I do? Where was this blessing everybody told me I would get? I should have never placed,The pain wouldnt stop, and all I knew was how to scream, yell, and cry..
Ive never felt so helpless.
I tried to give ken and kelly there peace. But I couldn't stop...there was too much pain. And they besides my mom are my best friends. I had nobody else to turn to.
I've been terrifed that they would break promises, and disconnect me from my angel. I've been in horror that things would change with them now. So much endless torment...
I just layed on my moms bed, and screamed and cried...
I finally stopped crying when I asked Avery's mommy if they loved me.
I had to tell myself over and over again that it would be okay. And I did the right thing for her.
Sometimes When I'm in so much pain and agony it's hard for me to see I did the right thing.
People tell me I'm strong, but this is the most hurt I've ever dreamed of being in..I feel so weak.
It's hard sometimes to be happy for the family I helped complete, When I'm dieing inside.
I have aching arms and a small outline of a heart that's bleeding.
But Avery is being taken care of Thats all that matters to me.
I'm so grateful for avery's parents and my mom put up with me. I'm so grateful for open adoption.
I would not be able to survive without it..and I mean it.
And I'm so grateful for my beautiful daughter.
I can only hope time will heal these wounds....and that god will always be with me.

Avery My Heart

On Placement day my babies parents gave me a necklace,
My part of the necklace is the outline of a heart, Avery's part of it is the full inside of the heart and it says love.
I don't think when they bought it that it would resemble exactly how I feel.
When I'm alone without my Avery, It's just a outline of a heart. Avery is my heart and when she is gone she takes the filling. And I'm empty.
But when they come together I'm complete again.
The necklaces are almost to perfect. I know I'll see her soon.
And I have this gem around my neck all the time to remind of my dear beautiful daughter.
I will see avery again. And I'll be looking forward to that full heart.

The Beauty of disaster

One mistake, Created one life.
One life became the hope and love of many,
This mistake became the most wonderful miracle.
What started out as a disaster ended up the most beautiful angel.
It started a family, It saved my life.
It brought my precious Aviendha into this world.
She is the most amazing miracle.

placement day..

The hardest day ever, But I helped make an eternal family....
and they are beautiful

The grief I feel is almost unbearable,
Where do i go now?
Yesterday I placed my daughter, It was the hardest thing Ive ever done, and will ever do.
Avery is my heart, My angel, my whole life. It's so hard to sit here with an empty tummy and empty arms. I miss her.
I keep finding myself placeing my hands on my tummy, and theres nothing there. There is so much pain, I thought I knew pain until Avery was born.
Avery is beautiful she's the most sweetest baby ever. Sometimes it's hard to believe that she is the child I carried in my tummy. I would say my heart is breaking, but it's hard for a heart to break when your heart isnt there with you.
I want so badly to raise her, to have kept her. But look at me I'm only sixteen, I don't have a job, Avery wouldn't have a father. I couldn't have done that to her. I love her way to much.
A mother's love is the strongest love in the world. No words can express what I feel for her.
I'm happy that she gets a life I couldn't have given her..but it doesn't ease my pain..
Will time ever heal these wounds? The answer is no, But it will get easier... at least that's what they say.
Every cell in my body wanted to keep her. I had to fight everything in me, For her.
I did this for her, not for me. If It was for me she would be sleeping in my arms at this very moment with her hand wrapped around my finger so soft and warm.
I'm never going to be the same after this, I'm never going to be able to go back to life the way it was before my pregnancy. I only live for one thing now, And every choice I make will be for her.
Everything I do makes me break down. I can't eat chicken nuggets because that's what I always craved when she was in my tummy. I can't hardly be on the couch that I spent most of my labor on.
Everything hurts, everything aches. I love her so much that I'm putting myself through this.
I also love her parents, they are my daughter's angels, the answer to my prayers when I was so lost nine months ago.
It really sucks for me, But the adoption was the right way to go.
The last night in the hospital was really hard, Holding my baby and knowing what I was going to do. That my time as her mother was running up, I wish I could have held her longer, I wish I would have never had to let go. Now I hold her in every single thought.
If she ever needs an extra set of arms to cry on someday, my empty arms will always be open to her.
I wish I could put all the feelings I have down, But I can't....
My sweet Avery, Forever you will be my heart.

still alive( really Random)

Yes I'm sorry havent blogged for awhile, I have not been able to get on...
So what am I up to?
I'm still waiting for my stubburn baby girl to come. In these last few weeks i have found myself crying over everything...lol
A few days ago I had my baby shower, it was awesome....and unlike most. Most people couldnt make it so it turned into a crazy hanging with my friends type thing. We even ended up with all the frosting on the cake on our face XD
I enjoyed being able to see my girls.
The other day, since my car is not running the birthfathers mom took me to my hospital apppointment. I was really nervous to be alone with her, At least at first. It was really nice to be able to talk to her. To understand her side. I have been so hurt by my baby daddy's family. It was hard for me to open up my heart like that. As for avery's father it may take me sometime to be able to forgive him.
As for everything going on, there really is nothing.
The days just sheem to drag on as im waiting and waiting.
I can't wait to meet her, :) and i know she's going to an amazing family.
speaking of which
happy early bday adopto dad!!