The start of tragedy..

Wow, I never knew how much could happen in just a week..
Broken hearts, Death, Pain...
After losing friends to the fate of suicide you think I'd be prepared.
A good friend of mine just lost her dad to cancer, And in the same week gave her baby up for adoption..I can't begin to imagine the pain she is in.
Hope is something hard to find when you feel so lost and dead inside.
Now I feel like I not only have to be strong for myself but for her as well...
And It's not easy.
She means the world to me, she's like a sister...
I wish deeply that i could do or say something to make it better...
But i can't...
I do my best..
Ashes of tears left from a bitter day return to the hallowness of my memory.
I remember what it was like to lose somebody so important.
And my whole heart resides in empathy with her..
I just hope it will only be enough...

Random thoughts...

What to write about? so much has happened through my adoption journey. I almost regret not creating a blog sooner.
Later I will write it down from beginning to end.
But right now, that's alot to type...and I don't have much time.
I've gotten alot of questions of why I said goodbye to my last couple.
I've also been extremly hated in the world of adoption, But that's gotten better.
Alot of things are geting better.
Last week I got quite a scare, I was having bleeding and had to go into labor and delivery...I dialed...and a few tests done. But was able to go home.
I guess it's healthy to say my daughter is much like me, Impacient..
My mom has started college, so it get's kinda boring during the day...
I can't wait until I get to go back to school, I know I'll never take it forgranted..
That's it for now I suppose...still trying to get used to all this....
And im little overwhelmed with all I want to write, but don't know how to get it down.

I really have no idea what im doing, but i decided to create a blog, so i can have somewhere to write my feelings..
I'm sorry it's such a mess right now, I'll figure things out eventually...

My heart is like glass, waiting to break.
But how could it fall into pieces? when I needed to be strong for the innocent baby girl, I love so much?
25 weeks, 15 left to go
and yet apart of me still feels as lost as it did when I first got pregnant,
The part that wants to be her mother, To be there every moment she breathes. To lift her from darkness, when she needs me most.
I feel a loss. Even though I havent lost her.
I feel a pain that lingers in the depth of my soul up to the center of my heart.
But yet I still manage to know that what I'm doing is right. Even if this isnt what I want.
In a way I will always be her mother. My blood flows in her. I gave her life...
They give her everything I wanted for her.
I do my best to live.
It only goes on from here...