in the end

The stupidist mistake in life is thinking the one that hurt you most wont do it again...
I can cry all the tears I want but It won't help me face reality. I have so much to give, So much love to offer. Why do I get thrown away? Why do the people I love most abandon me?
I try so hard to help, so hard to give everything.
Here I'am left in silence for what feels to be the millionth time. When are people going to stop hurting me? Can they not see that I'm already broken?
Each piece of my heart that breaks feels like horrors one could only dream.
I know they aren't worth my suffering. But how do I not suffer when they were the ones I shared everything with?
Every smile, Every thought, Every tear. I put my faith in them. I gave them all I could.
They were my best friends, The ones I could tell anything to. The ones I could trust.
And were am I now? I'm alone, the arms of the ones that used to hold me turn into the dark mist of the past. I'm holding myself now. Holding what little pieces of my heart I can keep inside my chest.
In the end I'm the forgotten one.
In the end I'm left facing the world in solitude.
After every blood and sweat I put into their lives to try and make it better.
When Is it my turn? When do I get somebody to stand beside me? Why must I sacrifice so much, and only end up with agony in return?
It's so hard to go on like this. So hard to breathe.
I'm haunted by memories.
They were my best friends.
And now my only best friend is me.

ewwww

So I was looking in the mirror yesterday..
And I found three beautiful (cough cough) stretch marks....
EWWWW!!!!!
I mean I know it's only three, but still!!! haha...
Not trying to complain, But they are the ugliest things ever....

I'm terrible at blogging, but all well...:)
i guess my problem is that i have so much to say and don't know how to word it.
I might create another blog so I can talk about random stuff. But I'm not sure.
But I'm still here, just not sure what tp write..

My mom wanted to paint my belly this easter, And I must say Being 29 weeks prego and it's kinda hard to breathe. I was very uncomfortable.
But the results were awesome..:) (this was made for what my mom calls the adoptos,")
haha...
I Can't wait for baby Avery to Really hatch outta her egg...:P

Thoughts...

I'm really glad I got to vist my adoptive couple last week, It helped me alot.
I have all the comforts and missing pieces filled that I've waited for since the start of my pregnancy, And a bigger part of me is more happy then sad.
It's going to be okay. She is going to live a beautiful life. She has so many people that love her already.
I never knew how much I could love the adoptive couple ethier.
I never knew how strong of a friendship I could bulid. I may be giving away a daughter, But she won't be gone really. And I'm gaining a whole new Family.
This isnt the end, It's the start of a beautiful beginning...:)

shawdows of my heart...

It feels like it was yesterday I was leaning over my bathroom counter, sweating, my hands shaking. Watching in shock a the pregnancy test as a blue positive line appeared in the window.
Here I stand 7 months later, it's amazing how much has changed.
But one that has not Is the love I feel for my daughter, It grows stronger each moment....
I'm somewhere between fear and happiness. Happy for the life my angel gets to live, And I'm so terrifed for the day of delivery. I guess mostly for my self, I know it's coming and apart of me wants to hold on to my little's finger forever. To be the one to raise her. To be there every moment she needs me. And I need her.
I see other little girls and there mommys, and apart of my soul aches, I want to be like that.
But I know I'm doing the right thing...however that doesnt change the pain.
This is my daughter, This is the reason for my breathing.
She is everything to me, And everything I wish I could have.
I only hope she will come to forgive me someday for the choice I made.
Theres so much emotion, It's so overwhelming.
And underneath all the pain and the ache, theres a feeling of peace.
I miss her.
And even if this feels like the end, I know it's not.
She will always be my heaven sent angel. I will always be her birthmom.
And someday with her and her parents i will reside with them in heaven.
I love you Avery,
Always remember that.
















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